


And That's Alright

by Carmenlire



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, Happy Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Introspection, Lazy Mornings, M/M, Self-Acceptance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-03
Updated: 2020-03-03
Packaged: 2021-02-22 22:35:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23001490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carmenlire/pseuds/Carmenlire
Summary: Things had been so hectic for so long and Alec had been busy putting one foot in front of another, head down, just trying to make it through the next mission, the next catastrophe.Day by day, nothing changes. But as Alec looks back now, he sees the shift as he turned from blades and blood to mumbled conversations in the dead of the night and hugs that always pulled him closer.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 22
Kudos: 235





	And That's Alright

**Author's Note:**

> Note: This contains explicit mentions of past self-harm.

There comes a time when Alec looks down and doesn’t believe what he sees. His body has been a roadmap of his struggles for longer than he usually cares to admit. Everything from ichor burns to battle wounds to the scar he got from one of Jace’s asinine parlor tricks that used both a throwing star _and_ a seraph blade.

And then there are the marks that betray his weakness. There are scars on his body that he once relished and then were disgusted by in turn. There was a time he looked down at his body and felt nothing but a seething hatred and a pitiful sense of shame that he allowed himself to take out his anxieties and fears and pain on himself in the most visceral way.

All of that feels like a far away dream now. He still has bad days and rough weeks but it’s with a startling sense of pride that Alec realizes he hasn’t thought about hurting himself-- punishing himself-- in ages. 

It’s a gray spring morning, weak light spilling through the french doors in the living room, when Alec’s gaze drops from the book in his hands to the bare patch of skin just above the waistband of his sweats. While his hands always bore the brunt of the damage he inflicted on himself, there was a period when the bow wasn’t enough, when things had grown so far out of his control that he craved destruction on every inch of his skin but instead settled for a very small space on his hip and designated that as a twisted sort of playground. He remembers the drag of his blade of thin skin, the mesmerizing way blood dripped from the wounds as pain made his made hazy and just a little stupid.

He looks down now and sees that the scars are barely visible now in the morning light. He has to look for the marks and, distantly, he wonders if maybe a stranger who didn’t know his once favored coping method wouldn’t be able to see them at all.

Book forgotten, Alec traces a finger over the weak marks and while he remembers a few in particular-- the mark that was the first time he felt truly out of control because it was so unexpectedly deep, because it didn’t stop bleeding for hours, because it was the first time he was truly scared of just what he was capable of-- is nothing but a pale sliver in the gray sunshine. 

There was a time Alec took pride in the marks, found a sick satisfaction in tracing a finger over the red lines and feeling nothing but a calm sort of contentedness in cataloging the manifestation of his anger and shame and worry. There was a time just looking at his body filled him with disgust and a pervasive anxiety that he would carry the marks of his self-hated for the rest of his life, a brand of the worst sort that could never leave him because he had once been so weak as to punish himself in a pathetic attempt at survival.

And now, Alec thinks, there is a time when he feels whole. The marks are barely visible and now as he looks upon them he feels sadness for the boy that didn’t know what to do with a heart that was bigger than his body. He feels a different sort of pride now-- one that feels like healing, in the way that he knows he won’t return to such destructive coping methods, in the way that the memories feel more like a film of someone else’s life.

It’s been years since he felt the need to hurt himself as punishment, as a means to an end, just to feel something. He didn’t notice time passing. 

Things had been so hectic for so long and Alec had been busy putting one foot in front of another, head down, just trying to make it through the next mission, the next catastrophe.

Day by day, nothing changes. But as Alec looks back now, he sees the shift as he turned from blades and blood to mumbled conversations in the dead of the night and hugs that always pulled him closer.

Just thinking about his husband is enough to make Alec smile, no matter that they’ve been married for a decade next month. With thoughts of Magnus, Alec isn’t surprised to see the man in question shuffle out of the bedroom in nothing but a haphazardly tied robe. Traces of eyeliner darken the space under his eyes and he looks so tragically, humanly beautiful that Alec feels a vise squeezing his chest.

“Morning, darling,” Magnus mumbles, still mostly asleep as he heads directly to the kitchen on autopilot.

Not even trying to suppress a smile, Alec returns the greeting with a sound of acknowledgement and takes a last moment to stare into nothing as he thinks about just how far he’s come since those cold, bitter days at the Institute.

Idris sparkles like a dream through their balcony doors and Alec settles into his bones with a sigh of happiness. He’s found that happiness doesn’t have to be more than this and sometimes he thinks there’s nothing that can compare to the joy he finds in these impossibly small moments-- daydreaming while Magnus fumbles with the coffee machine, knowing that in a handful of minutes the love of his life will settle down next to him on the couch and they’ll enjoy their drinks while talking idly about their plans for the day.

Alec has experienced enough pain for several lifetimes. To his unending relief, he’s built several more lifetimes’ worth of memories filled with light and joy and love since he met Magnus and that shows no signs of stopping anytime soon.

No, Alec decides, as Magnus shuffles against his side and lays a sleepy kiss against his shoulder. There was a time that he never saw this life for him-- any life that didn’t end in unimaginably tragedy.

How lucky he is, Alec thinks for the dozenth, hundredth, millionth time, that life has all sorts of surprises in store for him.

With a last smile for the boy he was and the man he works hard at being every day, Alec can’t wait for what surprises still await him in the future.

**Author's Note:**

> Catch me on tumblr or twitter @carmenlire!


End file.
